11.01.2006

restless

Disclaimer: I love my job and my roommate and a lot of other things, like chocolate. This doesn't have anything to do with either or any of those things that I love, especially chocolate.

Yesterday, I found myself on a college website looking at a Master of Arts Religion degree program. I've been there before. I like the impression I've gotten from this school. I like the books the a few of the faculty members have written. I poked around looking at the town, the requirements, the cost, everything. And then I got on my bike and rode to the bank. Four miles away down a busy and hilly street. I thought about a lot of nothing while on the ride there. The only substantive thing I thought about (other than how to get up the huge hill and how not to get hit) was how I'd even landed on the website. I honestly can't tell you. I memorized the url eons ago and somehow it just flowed out of my fingertips. My fingers seemed to know my heart even more than I do.

Roommate and I have talked about being restless a few times recently. She wants to pick up and move to another country. I don't really romanticize about foreign countries. I've lived in a few and would be fine if I were led to another, but that's not my issue. I romanticize about leaving suburbia. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this (the last fourteen months) is my first suburban life experience and I am totally knocked off my rocker. I struggle with the value system of the suburban culture and I hate driving to work. I don't see myself in suburbia on a long-term basis. I wonder if I am martyring myself because I think God wants me to learn something here. I wonder if I should just get it over with and assimilate myself already. I wonder if I should develop a marketable skill and move to fill-in-the blank urban city. Or forget about marketability and become a hermit in the open plains of fill-in-the-blank middle of nowhere rural area. I wonder if I should go back to school and pigeonhole myself into this field that I love. I wonder if I should wait around for someone to live with in life or if I should go in search.

I wonder.

I wonder a great deal. It feels as though I should be standing more in wonder at what God has accomplished in my life and through my life instead of mawkishly wondering if this is all that there is.

I sound like a lot of other twenty-somethings, don't I?


1 comment:

Kacey said...

Go in search. Live. This brought to you by another 20something chick who needs to figure her crap out too.