why am i so hard on myself?

I have been hard on myself in a very ungodly way of late. I don't mean ungodly in the flippant exaggerated sense, but in the truest anti-first commandment breaking sense.

This is most apparent at work, though it seems to be true across the board.

Two weeks ago, I directed the launch of a new Sunday School program at my church. The experience has been change theory made manifest: there are skeptics, there are enthusiasts, there are inbetweeners. Meanwhile, I am somewhere on the outside banging my head on the wall thinking about all of the things I should have done better, all of the volunteers that I might be letting down, all of things that I have potentially failed at.

The funny thing is, each week these kids are getting together, smiling, praising God together. They are still learning the program. The adults are still learning the program. I AM STILL LEARNING THE PROGRAM. Did I mention we've only had 2 hours of this new program? 2 hours. That's 1/12th of a day if you need some perspective (I do).

We have to learn the logistics so that we can focus on the content. (There are a lot of logistics when there are 75 elementary students involved). We are building the framework for Christ to be shared actively and vividly. It won't happen magically. I've got to be patient.
I think the proper expression is: duh.

Jesus is being shared.
Despite me.
My stress levels.
My increasing amount of gray hair.
My sleepless nights.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

I don't matter. Focusing on my stress and my perceived failures is ignoring the joy of sharing Christ.

My job this week is to focus on the joy of Christ and sharing it.
Focus on the joy of Christ and sharing it.
The joy of Christ and sharing it....


nate said...

i just spent another hour with someone i pay to talk to about how hard i am on myself. :)

that's 1/24th of a day.

alaina said...

it seems the one thing perfectionists can't control is their perfectionism.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes what makes other people get hard on themselves are failures, disappointments, frustrations, non-contentments, etc. And sometimes, a solution to this is understanding oneself more.


Dutch Not German said...

I woke up at 2 am this morning convinced that my Rally Day kick off for our new Sunday school program was so awful that everyone at this church was seriously regretting calling me here. While I know this isn't logical or true, it is the direct result of my own perfectionism.

It took 1/2 hour of prayer just to get back to sleep. That's 1/48th of a day.

alaina said...

Julianna, I'm glad (and not glad) that I'm not the only one rolling around in my bed at night thinking about something called Rally Day. (Still trying to figure out why it's called Rally Day)
i hope that the 1/48th of your day translated into 47/48ths being more peaceful.

hannah said...


I think we all have those moments in churchwork that we feel the awful crushing of responsibility. "What if (x)fails?It'll be MY fault! What happens then?!"

I think we all need the reminder from time to time that God works despite us and sometimes he uses us to show others a small portion of all that He is and all that He offers.

I appreciated this post. Thanks for sharing it.