unrelated. sort of.

A few weeks ago, I learned that some rather far-fetched plans were not going to come to fruition. In response, people often ask what I am doing with myself these days. As if I was doing something a few days ago, but these days it appears that I am not.

Alas, my sensitivities aside, I don't know how to answer the question. "The same as a few days, weeks, months ago" implies that I am going nowhere, doing nothing, and lack ambition. "Staying up late and prying my eyes open in the morning" implies that this was not my previous method of sleep deprivation, that something has changed in my ineffectual relationship with sleep. "Wandering" is probably my best response (see previous post) yet has a connotation of leaving something behind. I'm not leaving anything, I'm just gathering more. Wandering also implies melancholy, I'm not actually all that sad.

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Regret is an easy emotion. It requires no action to should have done something. Contentment is much more sophisticated. It requires a conscious effort to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, the push of a friendly discussion, rainy days when you need to clear your head on a run.

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I have a friend that is going to be attending a meditation retreat. For ten days, participants are not allowed to speak except for 30 minute period of questions. They cannot read, write, run, or engage in other spiritual disciplines. I'd be lying to say I'm not intrigued.