11.30.2009

while thinking on thanks

I wish I could say that this has been a tough fall and not feel conceited, lazy, or inexperienced in dealing with suffering.

This fall has been tough in non-persevering, non-suffering, non-trying ways. It's just been gray and chaotic. Like the sky before an autumn storm. I've been anticipating a storm that hasn't come in full force. I'm wearied from expectation.

The trouble with my troubles is that they are the troubles of will and spirit. They aren't concrete. They are in the upper echelon of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which feels like something that should be celebrated. And yet, I simply want to throw the contents of my office, my closet, my cupboard onto the sidewalk and stroll away, never glancing backward.

Can I be thankful and disdainful? Can I be thankful through abandon? Can I be thankful and turn away?

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