into the darkness

If we’ve passed ways recently, you’ve likely noticed a hint of exasperation in my gait and whine in my voice. Life has filled itself with heavy reading, thick theological concepts, and inches and inches of writing.  On top of it all, several weeks ago, I came to a dreadful realization. It was time to ask myself the question of all questions: why am I here?

It’s funny, in preparing to move to North Carolina and begin school that question was a frequent flier, passing the lips of friends and family, co-workers and strangers. I had seventeen different pat answers, catered to the audience and truthful to my intentions: to grow, to learn, to become more myself. Those answers are still true, but the specificity surrounding them has begged to be examined in greater detail.

The complex relationship of my faith to my life and to my career often confuses me. Sometimes it feels like they are so tightly bound to one another that only the most skilled of knitters could untangle the web. Crawling into that grisly web has been a dark and scary process.

Am I ready to see the idols I’ve made of career and job security? Am I ready to depend on my faith in discerning my future? Am I ready to open myself to the possibility that others might not like my career choices? Am I ready to risk relying on the care of God rather than my own capabilities?

In the simple act of speaking those questions aloud, I realized that while this task may be dark and painful, it serves to bring glory and light to God’s grace in my life. What could be better?


This post is part of a synchroblog with friends.  Please read their posts!

Adventures with Alisha, From Darkness, Light
I Write to be Rid of Things, The Senior Scramble
M, Further
Muddled Dreamer, Synchroblogging in the Dark
Nightsbrightdays, Dark City


David said...

People struggle so much with how to balance life and career that I am in awe of the ones who also try to entwine career and faith (to the extent one is willing or able to make a distinction between life and faith at all). It's not a choice I could make. The usual trajectory of college to grad school (to PhD) to job forces us to either invent a narrative of irresistible choice or to acknowledge that some large swath of our development has been a waste of time and money. There's no space where we can pause, reassess, look for the fainter path we feel must be there if the one we're on feels wrong. So we end up making decisions about how to move forward while we're already moving forward. It's no wonder it takes such a leap of faith--it takes that much just to propel us beyond the inertia of our lives.

nightsbrightdays said...

It's an interesting point, the way we tailor our ideas and justifications depending on the person we're talking to. It's hard to strip all that away and know your own mind...especially when we're buried under the mundane everyday life that--as David put it--is always alrea dymoving forward. Thanks for the reflection.